a today

What am I doing? Why should I be feeling this way? It never occurred to me that I mightn't be able to handle it, and now that I can't, what can I do? It's making me feel uneasy. Though I haven't actually said it out yet, I also don't wish that it really manifests itself in some way that I will regret. Throughout the entire day today I literally wasn't really listening to lessons even though I understood all of it. And a bad cold had to come around to make me even more miserable. I haven't felt this confused, anxious, full of shit or all three since god knows when.

My mum isn't making things better too. Just that day she and my dad had a huge quarrel over something, and I stepped in and tried to explain things. She shouted right back at me. Little did I know that she would walk off, and the pain of that action hurt me so much it made me cry. Right in front of nearly everyone in the hawker centre, together with my uncle. Shit, I'm even tearing as I'm typing this. Do you know the pain I felt then? It really tore at me. What can I say? Life isn't fair at times, you know. Even God knows that. He created us. Sometimes I think God doesn't listen to us, or He may be just testing us. What I really need now is someone who can lend an ear to me, someone to whom I can pour out everything that's eating into me now. I want to tell Joanne but something bad already has happened to her and I don't want to make her feel any more worse. I feel so stuffed up, emotions so pent up that I can just break down any time. It's not like me to be this way. I don't want to be affected by all this. Just today Audrey bullied me in school. I know full well it was in the name of fun, but I really felt so agitated then. Throughout the day I had to struggle to contain my emotions, fluctuating as they were. It's my state of mind now, and it's doing this to me. Audrey, don't be offended. It was through no fault of yours, but mine alone.


I don't want to cry anymore.