Musings

I'm a bit worried.

Today we were just discussing "The Dirty Dozen" in Human Factors class. Basically what those "Dozen" are are these 12 things that could happen to you in the workplace that might generally affect your mental state and hence your good judgment and situation awareness. We were talking about fatigue and stress. Specifically, stress that you give yourself and the fatigue that may arise from its relatives.

And I think I might genuinely have a case of fatigue and stress-related behavioral disorders. None of that shoot-em-up stuff that arises when a man cracks and begins gunning random fellas down, but rather more subtle stuff.

When people undergo stress that pushes them over some limit, they begin to exhibit changes in their behavior. In our handout today, we were shown some causes and signs of stress. Most worryingly to me were the signs listed, because I've realised that for a long while, I've been exhibiting some of them. I'm fully aware that I have changed, but I never knew how until I read this article. Some signs are:

• Errors in judgement. They occur more frequently
• Personality changes, including increased irritability
• Memory loss becomes noticeable

Well, sounds like I am suffering from some form of stress. Now for the signs of fatigue:

• Reduced attention
• Becoming less aware of performance
• Reverting to old habits
• Development of a "don't care" attitude
  

I don't fully undergo the full manifestation of these signs nor do they manifest themselves all the time but I think I do suffer from at least some form of fatigue and stress. I have noticed too that recently I have difficulty forming coherent sentences in speech. I have the ideas in my head but somehow when I open my mouth to tell someone the thoughts suddenly swirl around in a big whirlpool, disappear into the vortex and I have to pause to recollect. It does make me look kind of slow, imo, having to pause mid-sentence to collect your thoughts.

It doesn't stop there either. Recently it seems like I can't even form thoughts about discussions at all. People talk about this particular subject and seem to have so much to say on it whereas I just sit there like I'm some mannequin. I have opinions of my own, sure, and I want to voice them out but somehow I cannot think of the words I want to put them in. It's almost as if there's a massive void somewhere in my head that my thoughts have to cross, but they never make it.


I have to stop this, or I will go mad. Very soon.

Top Gear May Issue

In all the things that greet you on a Sunday morning on your dining table, the least expected would be a brand-spanking-new, hot off the press, steaming May issue of Top Gear magazine. But that's precisely what I got.


And here it is. In all its splendour.

I'm probably the first person in Singapore to get this. OK maybe not the first, but definitely one of the first. Hell, April isn't even over yet. All thanks to my sister.

Haha.

Timbre

So YM, Audrey and I never did go to MoS in the end. The queue was so long it would have made a dragon look over its shoulder.

We went to Timbre @ The Substation instead (photos in picture gallery).

What had happened was that we had decided to go for this party that SP had organised at MoS at Clarke Quay. Some sort of back-to-school-get-drunk-get-laid party for the young and promiscuous. Not exactly but it was a back to school party. Anyway, we reached CQ after dinner at Central and promptly realised that we would never make it in because the queue to get in was of immense proportions - wide and long both. We decided that waiting was out of the question so we walked around Liang Court for a while before having icecreams, thanks to Audrey. And then we decided that we didn't come all the way down, dressed in our Friday best to not go somewhere.

After much standing around looking like gormless idiots, we went to Timbre on the sage advice of my Er Jie.

Now I must say that I'm not the clubbing sort, but I was feeling particularly excitable tonight partly because I was in the partying mood and partly because this is one of the first times I'm out with friends to such places. We hit Timbre and since Alvin (band name "53A", with the white and red guitars, go see him on Fridays) was there performing I thought it would be good to get ahold of him during the break and see whether he could secure a table for us, bypassing the queue. Booya. We didn't get that so we queued and within 5 minutes got a table.


And the drinks. Phew boy expensive, but I suppose it's standard price. $14 for mine, $15 for Audrey's and $10 for YM's. As usual Mr Tay was feeling pretty gutless so he ordered a Red Bull Punch while I had a Lychee Freeze and Audrey a Martini.


I'd say Timbre's a really nice bar/restaurant to hang out if you've the stomach for loud, blasting music and good drinks. It's not a club where you go and PARTEH AND MAKE HOUSE ROCK WITH BLASTING MUZEEK. It's more laidback and generally a very nice place to spend a night out. The bands there are good and from what I heard last night, very popular as well, judging from the applause they received. Or at least 53A is. Comprising of Sara Wee, Alv, a bassist and drummer whose names I don't know, they used to play jazz tunes only but have now expanded their repertoire to include contemporary pop tunes, acoustic modern rock and blues. I want to go back there and listen The Goodfellas play because apparently they're one of the sensations there. You must go there at least once for the music, if not the ambience (if you're the stay at home type, forget it). Go there, you won't regret it.




Gilbert and I have already made a deal. Go out with wallets and pockets full, come home broke as shit.

Mobile for Real

The sounds of Youtube never sounded better. How do you like it? Surfing in the comfort of your home - or perhaps aboard the bus on a long trip?


It's reality for me. I can do that :)


I've just signed up for a 2 year, $15 a month Broadband on Mobile plan from Singtel. It's very simple. Once past all the frivolities and formalities, you'll get a portable modem that you plug into your laptop computer. From there it will access the Net for you via a 3G network where available. Since 3G has literally blanketed Singapore ever since its inception, what that means is that you can surf on the go. And it's real.


Because I'm blogging on my way home now.

Through the Fire and Flames and everything else

Sorry Gilbert for bastardizing that title but I think it's tastefully done don't you think?

Whew I have just finished creating SPAVC's new blog. Not too shabby a job but it definitely needs some sandpapering, especially needing some graphics and little other tidbits here and there and that would make it almost perfect, if a bit dull.

And I've just realised that Firefox 3 Beta 5 screws up its own built-in dictionary. Some words that I had used on the virgin post on the club blog were obviously wrong yet the browser didn't make a single attempt to draw a red line under them to indicate that they were incorrect. And now it has just drawn a line under "didn't" to show me that such a contraction is obviously wrong, that the computer knows better and that I should shoot myself. Comforting.

School's starting tomorrow! New challenges! New work! New encounters! New shit! I believe I'll weather it through because as you can see from my obvious and expressive outburst of newfound enthusiasm for school, it shall guide me through my darkest hours. Though I do have a flash on my phone camera.



Things are looking up in general. I haven't felt this good in a while. And I do owe Joyce a huge thank you for doing what she did. It's an indeed warm and genuine gesture on her part to have helped me partly solve a problem that had existed. I'm not sure whether that problem is gone but since she wants to help me, I've no qualms about facing it. Goodness me since when had I become emo?

School work (in that order)

Gosh I'm so tired from all that work. Boss has asked me to stay one more week till the end of the month because apparently it takes two weeks for my resignation letter to be processed.

How come they can't just kick me out now and SHOW ME THE THE MONEY?

Oh right, the money. Apparently that's not gonna be instant either because they have to process the claims for 3 weeks or so before I get to see a nice large stack of blue Yusoff Ishaks in my wallet. They said that I am a part timer and hence need to wait a bit longer for your pay compared to your full-time counterparts. That plus the fact that they pay all their part timers in cold hard cash. Well I don't mind working an extra week. I just get more money. Thank you TCC for making my decision easier whether to buy that pair of red Ferrari-themed Pumas or a classic black-and-white. And oh plus a couple of extra Nintendo DS Lite games too.

It's not going to be long before I start school proper. This week isn't counted as much since it's the first week and the lecturers are all still on holiday rather than the students. But I have gotten a taste for school and so far it's looking quite manageable. The lectures are straightforward and engaging and the work isn't tough. Well again, that leaves much to be said as yet.



Life's looking up for now.

Random

Nope don't have any idea what I am supposed to be blogging about either, hence the name.

I think that the reason why I'm so uptight over this all is that I think I want things to come to a close, never mind the consequences or the problems it might create. I just want it to come to an end, or at the very most to seek some sort of compromise between us. I can't keep giving in every time something like this crops up. I know something has to give but I can't be the one who always backs down, you know? I know you want this to work out as much as I do, and this isn't the way to go about doing it. It does take two hands to clap, to coin the old cliche. Could you be my other hand?


First day of school happened today. It struck me that SP really does have a shitload of students to feed. I was heading to the bridge with all the freshies around me. Seriously damn a lot. No major lectures today but you can be sure they'll all start right back up starting from tomorrow. And I honestly believe that I'm going to enjoy this semester and indeed, this year.

Show him what terror really means.

Musings

Why is it I feel what I feel toward you? Why is it that I can't break away from this vicious circle of mistrust and deceit that I feel has been levelled against me. I can't help thinking I've been betrayed. If I am right - and I solemnly swear and hope I am not - then you have tricked and deceived me with cunning and savagery. If that were so, you would have hit home the final nail in my coffin. Because I don't know what do to if that were to happen.

Don't assume that he who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good.

Working @ Anchorpoint

So yesterday was the start of working at Anchorpoint, which to me is off the coast of Mars, which is in turn situated off the meridian of Jupiter. To wonder why they I  - out of the gazillion employees that TCC has - got chosen to staff this brand new outlet is a mystery because 1) I hardly live anywhere near there and 2) I've never been to Anchorpoint. Obviously these two factors don't matter to TCC because regardless, they've shoved me there.

And I've broken a glass on the first day on the job. =D The boss doesn't know about it. Shh. 

The best thing I think about working there is that the staff are all generally very nice people who genuinely want to welcome you. When I first walked into the outlet I was greeted by the very nice manager and the service captain, plus the other staff who worked there. Stark contrast indeed to my former outlet at Bugis where most of the staff there are pretty anal about everything and perpetually seem to have cattle prods shoved up their behinds. With the electricity turned on. Full. Constantly. It's such a pleasure to be working there.

But I've decided to quit after the end of next week, as per my resolution couple of days back. I honestly don't think I can cope with holding two jobs and a hectic year all rolled into one. It's going to stress me out and that's not right. Joyce also wants to quit soon and I think she's doing that right about now. I wanted to transfer to her outlet but I think they mightn't allow it because the Anchorpoint outlet just opened 2 days back and they're seriously understaffed. 

Bah.

April 6th, 1989

Yep, I'm nineteen. 19. Neunzehn jahr alt. Last teen year.

I feel so old. 

*     *     *

First off, a really, really sincere and huge THANK YOU to people who have wished me a happy 19th birthday. In absolutely no order of merit:

1. My entire family, Taylor included. The lunch was great :)

2. Gilbert, Jerold and Patrick, the 3 closest guys I'll ever get to know

3. Amy, my best friend for forever

4. Audrey and Yiming, my best friends from poly

5. Michael Cheng/Richard, the guy with the best audio gear

6. Bernard Leong, Web 2.0 advisor extraordinaire

7. Tulip a.k.a. Flower Power, my one-stop source for manga/anime knowledge

8. Joyce, my favourite phone companion and nicest person in the world

9. Lina, She-Who-Does-Backhands-Like-The-Back-Of-Her-Hand

10. Hui Mei, She-Who-Sells-Clothes-Via-My-Blog-(Only)

If I've missed you out, that was by pure accident and I thank you for allowing me to experience one of the best birthdays I've had in recent years. For the past 2 years my birthday celebrations have been a bit crap. Several factors were to blame, no doubt, but I'm 19 now and that's all that matters. One year left to leaving the teen fraternity and couple more to the inability to be absolved of crimes committed, not that I plan on performing any. As Tulip mentioned: one year older, one year wiser.

Met Amy in the morning where she treated me to a breakfast of McGriddles. No idea what they were made of but damn were they good. Got 2 t-shirts that her mum bought for me (awesome stuff) which I intend to wear to make myself look more 19. She couldn't go out because her mum wouldn't let her and she had things to do. It's okay, there's always later in the week :) Lunch with my family was fantastic at Melt - The World Cafe. Standard fare there was most scrumptious, as per their usual high standards and I stuffed myself so full a python would have been nervous. Went to meet Audrey and Yiming for their dinner treat at PS some time later and it was just a most enjoyable outing with just us 3 having fun together. We've grown much closer of late, which is no bad thing at all. I definitely want it to last. They presented me with this photo frame which contained a shot of 3 of us together taken at dinner some time back. Awesome.

Today has been the most enjoyable and indeed deeply moving birthday I've ever had. It also is the first time my friends have actually arranged something for me, a meal of some sort. Even though it wasn't anything elaborate, I don't think I would have missed it for the world/Bahrain Grand Prix, which is about the same thing. It was just such fun. 

On a more sombre note about the Bahrain Grand Prix, I've just learned that Lewis Hamilton scored a miserable 13th place to put the Englishman 5 points behind Raikkonen in the drivers' championship scoring, after a bad start and a collision with a certain Fernando Alonso. Robert Kubica, though on pole for qualifying, took home a very respectable 3rd place, with Kimi on 2nd and Massa rounding off the top. An apparently good race from Massa who did well to open up a good lead from Kimi early on. Seems like the BMWs are troubling both Ferrari and McLaren this season. 

Super tired and a super long day tomorrow. Gonna sleep happy today though.

Birthday!

Remember this day, people.

The 6th of April is when the author of this blog was born. 

I'm really so happy that tomorrow I'll be having breakfast with Amy, lunch at Melt the World Cafe at Mandarin in Suntec with my parents, then later at night with my two best pals in school at Plaza Sing. Dunno what those two goons have cooked up for me, I need to wait and see. For the first time, my friends are actually celebrating my birthday for me and with me. It's strange, yeah, but for the past few years I was quite a loner. Still am though, just that I met two great people who bothered to celebrate it for a loner like me =D.

Well then. 19 years of age, one year older (and supposedly wiser) and a whole bunch of baggage left over from the year past. I do hope that the sheer enjoyment and ecstasy of spending the day so nicely will just remove all that I've been burdened with.

19 years of age, baby. WOOHOO.

Eighth Heaven

Can't believe it just happened.

My da jie just got me 13 months' subscription of Top Gear magazine, UK edition. I am shocked and stunned and ELATED into silence. It's like the big Man Himself came down from above and gave me 13 months' subscription of Top Ge -- hold on, it did happen. Jeez I can't believe it. 

THANK YOU DA JIE!

Didn't go to work today. Ponned because I didn't feel like it and after bawling my eyes out yesterday I felt better and oddly enough, more in control. I think that I was really stressed for the past few days and that coupled with my newfound outlook on life (no really, I do have a new one) just made me break down. Yeah I don't mind telling you that I just had a big, unmanly cry last night. I called Joyce and Best and they were both lovely souls to hear me out. Really nice of them to do that for me. 

Maybe I should elaborate on my newfound outlook on life and how I acquired it. I recently went to Amy's granddad's funeral. It's the first wake I have gone to in recent memory and when I looked at the coffin and all the elaborate ornamentation, the entirety of it all just struck me and it hit home. Hard. During the day before, we were talking about her granddad and how weak he was and how anxious she was about his health. Little did I know that later in the night she would call me while I was at work and tell me her granddad had passed away that very same day. It just hit me so hard and I felt that a sort of emotional switch had been flicked inside of me and that made me realise how fast someone's existence in the sentient world that we live in could so fast be taken away so silently. It struck me so hard to see that life could be so transient at times. One minute there and then bam, the next minute with eyes shut and into another world, out of this earthly one. 

Then, yesterday, my mum came home with this huge rash covering her body. She had aches and pains all over and my dad wasted no time in rushing her down to the hospital. I called my dad from home sometime later and asked him how she was and he said that it was some kind of viral infection and that she might require hospitalisation if it came to that (thankfully it didn't). But when I put the phone down, everything - the stress over the past few days and all - came crashing over me like a giant tsunami after a huge earthquake, and I started crying. I never had felt such sadness before. I knew the worry for my mum was an almost-irrational one because I knew with a certain degree of surety that she would be okay, she'd be home in no time and I didn't have to worry myself sick. But I couldn't stop thinking: what if she's not okay? What if it's worse than what the doc said? What if something happened and I wasn't there? What if? What if? What if?

I'm changing now. With one or two exceptions, I realise that I have not been treating the people around me with the care, respect and concern that they deserve. Friends, family alike, it doesn't matter. What matters now is that I show them the compassion and concern that I have failed in giving them all this while. It is something I think that almost demands to be performed. 

Because giving is always better than receiving. 

Nothing to blog about, so I shall...

Yeah there's really nothing much to blog about now, unless you want to hear more griping about work :P

Waiting for JEROLD to call me back. I'm in school now, pecking away on my laptop and wondering when the hell he will. Was reading a couple of interesting articles on CNN.com. The price of oil just dropped $5, did you know that? Not exactly a mind-blowing amount when you read that it's now $100.86 a barrel. Still, a far cry it is from last week when prices rocketed to $112 a barrel. It is scary to see such figures translate directly to those displayed outside your local gas station. Now everyone wants to buy a Prius because we don't have diesel cars in Singapore. Just great, LTA. Put a high premium on cars that could potentially save drivers from future bankruptcy, why don't you.

Ah sian sian sian. Why does every day have to start at 0900 and end at 1200 when all we do is come to school, wait till 12 and then go for lunch. Honestly the only useful thing that we have done so far for this entire attachment period is have lunch every day. Other than the occasional training session, the rest of the days spent are rubbish. For God's sake give us something to do! Is it that hard to follow the schedule that you yourself have drawn up? You yourself said that you'd take over the training but so far all I see is a puff of smoke. 

No wonder I want to start school early.