Cos it'd feel so empty without me

Wah knnbccbkttljbcbk (in case you didn't know, all those are swear words)

I took the pains to take photos for Syu's group and Dominic took pictures for us too. In the end, the damn camera had to produce an error and screw up EVERY single photo. In other words, the whole memory stick had screwed up and errored, so I had to format and erase everything on it, crying the whole time. My heartfelt apologies to all who wanted to see me in drag.

Oh right, the skit.

It was the bravest thing that I had ever done ever since going up on stage and proclaiming to everyone my goals in Adam Khoo's "I Am Gifted, So Are You" motivational camp for teens. It was a blast, that skit. I couldn't possibly describe it all for you fellas because it was so damned funny, but I can tell you that the class was in stitches. Angelina pronounced "that was so gay" after we ended class, which pretty much summed it up. I think I put on an average performance, though I could have put more emphasis on the crying.

(And they could see I was using a thermometer as a pregnancy test kit!)

Ok screw the skit. I'm NOT A GAY. PERIOD. Anyway, I have news on my performance dates and time, if all you out there want to see me play the brand-spanking new Electone Stagea. I will be performing at Thomson Plaza 2-3 December, that's a Saturday and Sunday. Timing for both days is 1500-1530h. Playing the Silent Violin beside me will be my cousin Samuel, who also is a Yamaha employee. We'll be playing together. Songs performed will be Enya's Orinoco Flow, O Holy Night, theme from Da Chang Jing and Feliz Navidad, in that order. I'm actually quite looking forward to this performance. Makes me want to raise my standard higher.

Went to Eunice's place today to help her with English. I felt slightly weird, 'cos I'm not used to dispensing advice like that. Man, one thing I'm envious is that her study table is like nearly a metre and a half longer than mine, and twice as clean. Jeez. What would it take me to get to that level of cleanliness. And that table. Goodness.

Haze is clearing up, thank goodness. I won't have to breathe in any more of this peasoup. Hope the stupid Indonesian Government gets its act together and start realising that trees are NOT MEANT TO BE BURNT. Maybe the more they burn, the less oxygen gets to their brains and the more moronic they become.

today's thoughts

Rehearsals are killing me. I'm supposed to be studying but it's kinda hard to make that target. Somebody help me.

Still, I've worried that I'll be booted out of the male fraternity after my Friday act. I think I'll just bury myself in the ground.

Went out with Audrey, Yiming, Wai Siong to VivoCity today. Pretty damned big, I don't think we could finish walking it. Bought some Hotwheels at Toys R Us. Ford Mustang and 70's Chevelle. Absolute sexy bastards. I want some of those for my real cars.

Sometimes, I wonder why parents have children. They sometimes don't seem to care, or are oblivious to the face that young children need lots - and I mean LOTS - of attention. Today, I was on the bus when I saw something that made me cringe. Two mothers were sitting on one seat, and one of their daughters, a young'un, was sitting on a seat in front of them. The two were talking, and the young girl was trying - desperately, in vain, whatever - to show her mother something that interested her on the cover of her magazine. And the stupid mother just gave her a glance and continued chatting with her friend. This happened twice.

Tell me, all you fellas. If you were interested in the colourful toy on the cover of a magazine and the only person you could tell it to was your mummy, would you want her to listen to you? Would you want her to smile and talk with you about it? To engage your mummy in a conversation that you would enjoy? Too bad this mother doesn't know crap about parenting.

I swear my kids will never have this kind of treatment. Beware, my future wife. Don't you dare treat my kids like that either.

all in a week's work

Audrey today said the most beautiful phrase I had ever heard in my whole life.

“Look at how much fucking haze is there in the air.”

I don’t think I will ever hear another more beautiful sentence ever in my life. The juxtaposition of her words was too perfect. It was like Freud came to life again and was reincarnated in the form of her. I could have cried.

Haze is getting worse by the day and the hour. The air is turning into a soup. And I still blame the stupid peabrained Indonesian Government for causing it. Thanks to them I have endless sneezing fits now that can last for up till 10 sneezes in a row. I think if this shitstorm of a haze gets worse, I’ll have to wear masks. Irresponsible Indonesian Government and their equally crackpot farmers. I won’t even trust them to manage an aquarium, let alone a country. This is like smoking pot every day with zero enjoyment. The only mind-altering property this smoke has is to make me even more enraged. I bet if doctors cut me open now all they’ll find is smoke particles in my head and blood, hence the decreased ability to think straight.

My gang has decided to gatecrash my house to rehearse for my day of judgment. I think after I perform that hilarious act I’ll be known as the class gay. God, if any of my Cat High friends know about the insane stunt I’m about to pull on Friday, I’ll be booted out of the male fraternity. But it’s all right. In the name of fun, I’m preparing to risk my manhood.

And a cool fact: I typed this and the last post on buses and MRTs. Entered it in on MS Word, copy-pasted it onto blogger when I got home, and voila. Instant blog entry.

blazing Hades

I AM IN POSSESSION OF AN IJ UNIFORM. MUA har har.

Thanks to me having to play the part of a pregnant woman in my group’s Character Development skit next week I have to use an IJ uniform so kindly provided by Elisha who incidentally, is playing a guy. I’m so proud of myself. I have to play the pregnant girl, girly accent and all. Something to do with abortion and teenage pregnancy and god knows what else. I have to go put on that ridiculous apron (sorry IJs, it’s unnerving to be a girl), and act the part. Man, I don’t know if we’re putting on another episode of “My Wife and Kids” or a serious skit involving the elaboration of proper SP core values, which coincidentally is also called SPCORE. What the acronym stands for, I cannot remember. But it’s good.

Went to SRC for drinks yesterday. It was the most relaxing day I had had in a while. Went to school for SPAVC (SP Aviation Club) meeting, where the president tried to start his first plane in 2 years but failed miserably. According to Mr Langah as I have termed him, the plane had a faulty fuel system that needed to be repaired before anything could be done. Then after that I went to SRC to have drinks and meet up with my German classmates. I didn’t have drinks, I had 5 glasses of Coke, Or was that 6? I can’t remember. We had so much fun talking and laughing. And then there was Katrin my former teacher who got invited. Man, she had a perm and was looking absolutely gorgeous. As for Diana, man. Well, let’s just say that dancers have to look sexy or they won’t be called that. Incredible. I wanted a beer but decided against it. I’m underage, and it’s ILLEGAL to have drinks under 18. Tsk tsk. Now where’s my vodka?

Having some trouble with my new specs. The right arm isn’t fitting my face and it’s cutting into my right ear. I hate it. To have to spend nearly 250 worth of dough and yet have to suffer? The optician said it was probably because it wasn’t yet seasoned properly and so told me I needed some time to get used to it.

Haze is getting bitchier today. PSI reading’s probably in the high 90’s or 100’s. It’s absolutely disgusting. To have to face this stuff every day of the week, 24/7 is really not my idea of healthy living. For fuck’s sake, can’t the Indonesian Government do something to at least PREVENT having to have ASEAN breathe down its neck every time the air turns soupy? Those morons really don’t know how to run a country. I know you dickheads can’t do anything now but twiddle your fucking thumbs but at least, please, for the sake of all that’s good and holy on this earth, STOP BURNING YOUR FORESTS AND PLANTATIONS! You’re giving Singaporeans asthma.

BMW ///M5 lover

A grasshopper kept me company on the bus on the way home.

Well, not really what you think. The grasshopper was happily clinging to the side of the bus on the top of the window sill. It was huge; and beautiful. It had a mottled green exo and had the longest legs I had ever seen. Sadly as most Singaporeans are, most of the commuters were too busy finding gold on the floor or too wrapped up in their own world to notice a wonderful piece of nature (despite its size).

The haze has been a killer these few days, especially today. It was literally a soup when I came home. Visibility was down to nearly 1km only. And today was the first time I could not see clearly down my road when I looked. Totally unbelievable. Thanks to it too I have a perpetual sore throat. Goddamned Indonesian farmers.

NASA's telescopes have discovered a planet that is something short of amazing. Unlike Earth and similar planets in our Solar System that are evenly heated, Upsilon Andromeda b has one side of it baked in between 2,550 to 3,000 degrees Fahrenheit (1,400 to 1,650 degrees Celsius) but only minus 4 to 450 degrees Fahrenheit (20 to 230 degrees Celsius) on the dark side. "If you were moving across the planet from the night side to the day side, the temperature jump would be equivalent to leaping into a volcano," said study leader Brad Hansen of the University of California, Los Angeles. Anyone remember the film Chronicles of Riddick? Remember the scene where he and couple of other escapees tried to run to the hangar to escape, all this while being chased by the scorching heat? Such a planet conjures up images of exotic, distant, mysterious heavenly bodies. Wow.

Went running with Audrey yesterday despite the haze. Made her go through my NCC warm up routine. Rather satisfying performing it after nearly a 6 month absence. I managed a 6 round, 15-min-odd run. Not too bad if I might say so. Could have ran faster but accompanied her for her 3 round, ah, stint. Went to meet Eunice for lunch after that. She was supposed to come run with us but overslept. Audrey and her had much fun trying to kill one of those machines that you slot a dollar coin in, turn a handle and a little dinky toy comes out. Problem was they didn't quite get what they wanted so both of them spent a combined amount of $10 trying to coax Donald Duck and some other toy out of the machine, to no avail.

And I'm the youngest.

Jo called from school. Completely forgot today was her first day of school. Amazing how two weeks of holidays can pass so fast. Her cat came back home to her, and I'm really happy for her. She had been agonizing over that missing feline for nearly 2 weeks. Maybe God really is looking down on us.

Tomorrow's start of a new term of German. Hopefully I get back Katrin, my old teacher. She's the only teacher I feel comfortable with: her explanations are clear-cut and precise.

And my new imaginary girlfriend is a BMW M5. Imaginary. That's the word.

mostly real happenings

They built the schoolhouse with simple tools, but have now called in excavators to tear down the schoolhouse in which 5 Amish schoolgirls were shot at point blank range in Penn., USA. An ironic twist to a terrible incident. Bart County chief says it will bring them some closure. I don't know how much closure you can get when your kid has had her head blown off by some crazed gunman. I know what I will do if that were my kid. I'd blow the bastard's head off too.


Sept 11 happened all over again. A light plane piloted by Yankee pitcher Cory Lidle and his instructor crashed into a skyscraper in the heart of Manhattan on Wednesday. The log book has been found, together with the prop and engine. Oddly enough, investigators have not confirmed that a mayday signal had been sent out from the plane prior to impact. The crash "ignited a fire and sent up smoke that could be seen across the city skyline" as according to CNN.com. Eyewitness accounts report that the plane was seen to be "banking very steeply", which is unusual for a light plane. Both Lidle and his instructor were killed, instantly maybe. God bless their souls.


Was made the class clown today. Was playing CS when Audrey traipsed along and decided to give me a spot of tattooing. Whipping out my highlighter, she proceeded to decorate both my arms with my name IN BRIGHT PINK. All this time I was amusing others with my, yes, squeals. Since I had put on a high pitch for fun, the rest of the time, I was either known as gay, sissy, girl, or all three. In someone's words, "even the girls don't sound like that". I'm not to blame, geddit? How'd you expect me to punch holes in someone with my M4 carbine when I couldn't even GET MY HAND ON MY MOUSE, let alone press my left button. Jesus. Played soccer later, which left me with an aching hand.


Am I too sensitive? Sometimes I think I am, and I really hate myself for having this "high sensitivity". I interpret some sentences as offensive and probably reply in the same fashion, eg the hurt and offended tone, when that person mightn't mean it at all. I feel like crap.

deep six

Sitting on the 167 back from a movie outing and dinner, listening to Marley's Don't Worry, Be Happy, I tried to rearrange my thoughts, getting them into order. I failed miserably though. Being melancholic didn't help one bit. I watched the man in the seat next to me flip through his wallet, the two boys standing and talking animatedly, the woman with a bored expression on the seat opposite me, but from a distance, as if I were looking through someone else's eyes.


Sometimes, I really cannot understand myself. The human mind is a temperamental thing, but I suspect my mind is even more susceptive and sensitive to external inputs. Why is it I have the ability to listen and help people out with their problems but I can't do the same for myself? Isn't it as easy as practising what you preach, people might say. Honestly, I cannot understand it myself. Naturally after helping so many of my friends overcome obstacles, I should at least have an idea of how to handle the same situation if it happened to me. However this appears not to be the case.


Today was one of those really melancholic days. I guess it's probably due to my sensitive nature, but I felt somewhat left out in the group. E and D seemed to be one group, followed by A and Y in the other. Both groups were talking much and I couldn't seem to join in any of their conversations. I didn't seem to fit in at all. At times I felt like the proverbial loner in the group, caught up in his thoughts, seeming to others as withdrawn, which was pretty far from what I was really experiencing. Maybe watching WTC made me turn sombre. There is a particular area in the field of psychology called group dynamics. Maybe I should read up on that and find out why I was so depressingly down after dinner.


Not to say my entire day was ruined by my oft-ill-tempered head. Had wonderful fun at Carl's J with my Pastrami Burger. It was so large my jaw hurt midway through from opening wide to chow down. I had Elisha to thank for mixing all the drinks into a witch's brew in my cup and dropping in French Fries for added flavour. Had my sister to thank for ending my night on a high note by sending my an SMS along the lines of "Don't fucking lie to me that you're coming back at 9, yadda yadda". Thankfully I wasn't that incensed like I would be last time. I realised that my temper has been wonderfully stable in recent months. I no longer get angry at hurtful words.


I just cry.

in class

first time blogging in class.


getting new specs. BROWN!


feeling better. YAY!


failing tests soon. FUCK!


amy called me twice while my parents were around. THANKS! :)


need to listen. BYE!

shots

Opera's doing me a disservice. I shall terminate her services immediately.


And she's an internet browser, mind you.


Well, nothing has changed from my last post. My emotions are still running around as though they had a life of their own. I'm still confused, still agitated, still emotional, still jealous. Doesn't that remind you of the Kai Yi you used to know? The one that was full of shit? Of course it does. Takes me back to the good old days when all I could see was a goddamned mess in front of my eyes. Damn near everything is a mess to me now. Social life, school life, home life, love life (a loser like me still has crushes, yes) seems to be all running haywire. Maybe I'll just jump off a building one of these days. Save me the trouble of having to go through all this shit and just end others' misery of having to deal with me. Sounds like a wonderful idea, doesn't it.


Not that I can't have fun with my remaining life. Went out with Joanne to play pool today. Realised that I wasn't that bad at pool after all. Managed to shoot some tight, neat shots, and so did she. Silly as it sounds I've never seen a female play pool before. No funny ideas there. I don't know if I was being oversensitive but the meeting seemed to lack closeness in it. There were times when I felt I was a stranger. I truly wish that isn't the case at all. Maybe we just haven't been meeting each other face to face often. Then accompanied her to Spotlight at PS after that, and bought some DVDs when we actually wanted to go to Yamaha. Jo ended up buying X-Men 3 and I Event Horizon, a film so freakily eerie and spooky I wish I had never watched it.


Came home, scared the bejesus out of myself with that unholy film, ate, went for a 1hr 15min walk with dad, and am now here typing. I don't know. My life has been awfully down lately. I'm probably having a bout of depression. Maybe I'm going to break up or break down. Maybe I'm being an asshole to people around me. Maybe I'm just that unlikeable. Maybe I'm the worst kind of friend anyone could have.


Maybe I'm right?

a today

What am I doing? Why should I be feeling this way? It never occurred to me that I mightn't be able to handle it, and now that I can't, what can I do? It's making me feel uneasy. Though I haven't actually said it out yet, I also don't wish that it really manifests itself in some way that I will regret. Throughout the entire day today I literally wasn't really listening to lessons even though I understood all of it. And a bad cold had to come around to make me even more miserable. I haven't felt this confused, anxious, full of shit or all three since god knows when.

My mum isn't making things better too. Just that day she and my dad had a huge quarrel over something, and I stepped in and tried to explain things. She shouted right back at me. Little did I know that she would walk off, and the pain of that action hurt me so much it made me cry. Right in front of nearly everyone in the hawker centre, together with my uncle. Shit, I'm even tearing as I'm typing this. Do you know the pain I felt then? It really tore at me. What can I say? Life isn't fair at times, you know. Even God knows that. He created us. Sometimes I think God doesn't listen to us, or He may be just testing us. What I really need now is someone who can lend an ear to me, someone to whom I can pour out everything that's eating into me now. I want to tell Joanne but something bad already has happened to her and I don't want to make her feel any more worse. I feel so stuffed up, emotions so pent up that I can just break down any time. It's not like me to be this way. I don't want to be affected by all this. Just today Audrey bullied me in school. I know full well it was in the name of fun, but I really felt so agitated then. Throughout the day I had to struggle to contain my emotions, fluctuating as they were. It's my state of mind now, and it's doing this to me. Audrey, don't be offended. It was through no fault of yours, but mine alone.


I don't want to cry anymore.