deep six

Sitting on the 167 back from a movie outing and dinner, listening to Marley's Don't Worry, Be Happy, I tried to rearrange my thoughts, getting them into order. I failed miserably though. Being melancholic didn't help one bit. I watched the man in the seat next to me flip through his wallet, the two boys standing and talking animatedly, the woman with a bored expression on the seat opposite me, but from a distance, as if I were looking through someone else's eyes.


Sometimes, I really cannot understand myself. The human mind is a temperamental thing, but I suspect my mind is even more susceptive and sensitive to external inputs. Why is it I have the ability to listen and help people out with their problems but I can't do the same for myself? Isn't it as easy as practising what you preach, people might say. Honestly, I cannot understand it myself. Naturally after helping so many of my friends overcome obstacles, I should at least have an idea of how to handle the same situation if it happened to me. However this appears not to be the case.


Today was one of those really melancholic days. I guess it's probably due to my sensitive nature, but I felt somewhat left out in the group. E and D seemed to be one group, followed by A and Y in the other. Both groups were talking much and I couldn't seem to join in any of their conversations. I didn't seem to fit in at all. At times I felt like the proverbial loner in the group, caught up in his thoughts, seeming to others as withdrawn, which was pretty far from what I was really experiencing. Maybe watching WTC made me turn sombre. There is a particular area in the field of psychology called group dynamics. Maybe I should read up on that and find out why I was so depressingly down after dinner.


Not to say my entire day was ruined by my oft-ill-tempered head. Had wonderful fun at Carl's J with my Pastrami Burger. It was so large my jaw hurt midway through from opening wide to chow down. I had Elisha to thank for mixing all the drinks into a witch's brew in my cup and dropping in French Fries for added flavour. Had my sister to thank for ending my night on a high note by sending my an SMS along the lines of "Don't fucking lie to me that you're coming back at 9, yadda yadda". Thankfully I wasn't that incensed like I would be last time. I realised that my temper has been wonderfully stable in recent months. I no longer get angry at hurtful words.


I just cry.