it's the time of day again

don't you just feel like some days, you really feel so awful, but you can't tell what's bothering you?


just had one of those days. still having it.


Ludo my Italian pal just came down from Italy (duh) for a 7 day trip around Singapore. I'm supposed to act tour guide, showing him around the place. he's staying in my room, so i'm relegated to the floor while he gets my comfy bed. darnded.


just came back from amk central after IDEA project work meeting. was with ds, isam and audrey. i dunno why but i'm starting to not like his company. it's not that he's un-fun or whatever, it's just that i don't feel right around him. used to be we could laugh about anything, but i just realised i'm increasingly become bothered with him around. if i could say one thing about him, i'd say he's a trifle odd. he makes oddball comments at the wrong times and it just doesn't fit into the conversation. and he's pushing a lot of work till the end. i can't work with people like that. it's just gonna pull me down plenty.


exams are coming up. assignments need to be done. projects need to be completed. everything's on such a tight schedule. to top it off i need to be a tour guide. i'm not lamenting. i'm just trying to take it all in my stride. that night i was thinking to myself: what if i don't improve? i'm good, but i'm not good enough. it's starting to worry me. i worry that i'll get kicked out of my course. where will i go then? it's not something i want to comtemplate, much less something that i would want to happen to me.


i apologize because i probably made you suffer throughout this post, but that's my mood now. sorry all

Ich habe Stress!!!

i can't believe i spent 2 hours yesterday in Changi Airport's Macs, eating like a trashcan and pecking away at my laptop. but i managed to type out elisha's compo. i'm such a bloody nice guy.



played soccer today. i was in goal. can't believe i played so well for my second time. at least i didn'thave butterfingers. kept many a shot out from goal. i need to improve badly, otherwise i'll never make it. it was lovely though, never played such a fast game like that before. it really taxed me. now i'm aching all over, plenty.


audrey's been lending me so many CDs over these past few days. man. i can never thank her enough. it's like, whoa. one day i get an armload of CDs on Final Fantasy that i never knew i loved. and just today, i got another armload of LOTR soundtrack CDs. man i hand to hand carry them back home. couldn't leave them in my bag otherwise they'd get squashed to a pulp, and so will i if she found out. i've like heard close to a hundred different songs i never knew existed in the past few days. THANKS AUDREY :)


the pace of school is going at light speed now. i barely can understand half of what's being taught in class. i envy others who can grasp the concept so fast. how the shit are they able to do that? sometimes when i don't understand the concept, i get really frustrated. it's like there is a block in my head, preventing me from understanding it.


argh. my head isn't working. i'll have to sleep soon. i'll update more tomorrow.

last minute advice

german class was kinda sad actually. it will be the last time we will be together as a class. don't know who are going to carry on for next term. man and i can't sit next to that chick anymore.


now that's REALLY sad.


school was the usual today, with mr wan blaring on and on about op-amps and what not. seriously, i need to study. i've pledged the rest of this week, the entirety of next week and the following weeks to intensive study. mark my words, i shall not fail this time round. not after being told something truly uplifting and encouraging. i've got so many complaints about people in school, but i care not to splutter them all out here. blogs are for typing out your personal thoughts, yes, but not a stage for a virtual slugging match between you and your enemies. that's done with punches to each other's face in real life. bring it on, buster.


i was told by my CRS teacher that i wasn't writing a book. nope, not a dictionary either. i was told that my essays were so long they were encyclopedias. yes, encyclopedias. i don't know whether that was a compliment to me or a veiled despairing cry from the poor beleaguered teacher who has to sift through mountainloads of my elaborations to actually start marking. i'm an optimist, i prefer the bright side. but i was warned if i carried on like this, i would not be able to finish in time during exam. but i pride myself on elaborations. thank you catholic high.


week 16's coming up, and i'm dreading it all the way. CRS book review, IDEA project, CADD test all due in week 16. and if that wasn't enough, german test is scheduled on the same tuesday of week 16 that i have all these tests and projects due. 1st august, tuesday. i don't know how i'm going to tackle all that. it's really daunting. i've never encountered pressure like this before. i guess i must think positive and start WORKING.


messaged audrey last night till late. that session really made me understand her more. i never knew she had gone through things that most of us would not even see in our lifetime. yet she has. she's a very strong person. i shan't say what she has experienced because that would be very unfair, but it is substantial. you have my respect, aud.


just got off the phone with joanne. man, some class leader she is. literally pwned her entire class on attendance and punctuality. she got scolded so many times by her teacher till she had to let loose at those ridiculous buggers who were getting her into trouble. hasn't had any major latecomers since, i believe. man. what guts it took to shellack that entire group for being late. and after that, they weren't late no more. now if that isn't pwnage, i don't know what it is. you rock, girl.


going to school tomorrow for math remedial and finish up my undone practical with yiming, zoo and coupla others. zoo and taufiq the mastermind conveniently left me snoozing on the table even when maths lecture ended, so if i hadn't woken up, i would have been left behind. man i'm so gonna kill taufiq. don't know why i was so tired during maths lecture. must be all that TALK.


i desperately need my new electone. hurry up and come please.

school's in, i'm out

i hate to admit it, but i'm using Internet Explorer to type this all out. i loathe IE. i prefer firefox instead.


down with IE.


anyway, today wasn't much of a day. sure, the usual scrapes and what-not, but it's tuesday i really dread. it's the longest day of the week for me. always ending at 1730, then german class at 1815 all the way till 2130, then it's dinner for me, then back home at 2300. helluva day.


avoided the person who pissed me off that day. gave the person the usual mm, ah, hmm, no, yes, oei etc. dammit man i'm still pissed. and that person didn't only piss me off. that person pissed someone else off too. but i'm not about to delve in. it'll only make me want to put a hole through the table.


went through the usual day, ending with mr mark wan after lunch. i kinda enjoy his lessons, but they're really tough. i wish i had more time to understand what he was talking about. bah.


i'm losing my grasp of the english language. i find i'm slipping up in spelling simple words. i make errors in spelling. i have made errors in grammar, something that has never happened to me in all my years of schooling. not to boast but my grammar is and still is near-perfect. but i fear if i continue making mistakes i may not keep it up. and my blood runs cold to think of the day i speak and write wrong. oh man.

please crucify me if you spot any grammatical mistakes in my typing from now on.


talked with joanne again. i immediately heard the mistake she made in the first bar of To Zanarkand. holding the note too long. sounded so out of place. joanne, take note. hahaha.


ok please excuse my male tendencies but i'm watching reruns of Miss Universe 2006. and miss singapore is so hot. so's japan. so's america. so's.......ah heck, all of them.

the week(end)

probably the most fitting way to sum up a terrible week is to end it the same way


yup. terribly.


supposed to complete the autocad assignment for my group today. thought my autocad's license would have lasted me till now. guess what. it didn't. and i only can use autocad offline when i have a license. so now my project is half done, and i just sent it off to my lecturer. i'm halfway between a major screwing and death.


now that's a fitting way to end your week.


talked to my electone teacher today. told her i was hunting around for a new electone. she recommended me the, yep, you guessed it, the 20k Electone Stagea. all brand spanking new. but hell. it's 20k, it's practically unaffordable. maybe i'll get its kid brother.


someone gave me an absolutely wonderful gift today. it was an empty, classic coke bottle with a world cup motif on it, with the Germany flag. it was from the France 98 era. i shan't name this person because complications might arise, but yup, you know who you are :) . part apology for the missed lunch treat today, part an apology on behalf of a friend. it was given to me during IDEA class. totally out of the blue. i thought that friend wanted to drink water, so put a bottle on the table. only then did i notice it was glass..and: who brings glass bottles to school? but it turned out to be my gift. and boy did i sit stunned for a minute. no one friend has ever given me a gift like this, and so exactingly suited to my desire for Germany's world cup win. i felt quite uneasy accepting it initially, but since the explanation was that there were actually two in my friend's possession, i gratefully (i mean it) accepted it. it's gonna sit on my shelf where it's safe i can look at it every day. take it as a token of friendship ;)


joanne called again today. just when i was crossing the road. jaywalking actually, but what the hey. she always so happens to call at this time. some mysterious force at work here. any explanations, singtel, hmm? we talked (duh) while i bought food from the hawker centre. i find it kind of nice that she calls me sometimes when she has a break. it's kinda cool. yeah, maybe i should start calling her sometime too. her phone bill's probably shot to Mars and back, and it ain't fair that i'm not the one doing the calling. and poor thing, she's sick again. flu and all. i'll probably remind her that a nurse can't be sick all the time


something just happened on msn between me and another classmate, but i care not to mention it. that will just make me hit the computer screen. told some fellas about it, and they told me to cool it down some. but what Isam told me really hit me. he had some advice for me. one sentence he said: "be someone who can control temper, and not someone who is controlled by temper". man is that meaningful or what? that's some real solid advice for you. i kinda respect him, he being older than us all. and he's a cool guy. and his advice for me really made me cool down. tell me, how often does a friend advise you, and that advice really truly makes sense to you? that just happened to me. you the man, Isam.


tomorrow's PTM. i'm so dead.

wrong side of the bed......again

changed the theme of my Firefox browser to look like Apple's Mac OS X theme. now how cool is that.


that was probably the only highlight of my day.


i feel kinda moody now. yup. probably stressed out, i don't know.


talked with joanne on the phone last night. made her talk until the counter on my phone reached exactly one hour. haha. some childish thrill. strangely enough, though this was the longest talk we've had so far, it didn't feel weird to me. oddly enough, it almost felt comforting to hear her talk again. maybe i was just being paranoid earlier or something. i should learn to calm down. it felt kinda nice actually, listening to her and remembering the times we used to talk so long. yup, it was nice. what the hey, it could even be the beginning of a new friendship.


school was a torrid affair, with op-amps and various other what-nots running through my head. tried my best to assimilate the nitty gritty theory bits that Mr Wan was gunning at us. how i wish they were real bullets, so i could dodge them and not get hit everytime he speaks.
but alas this isn't the case for engineering. i've got to start working on my theory bits.


wanted to tell my group to meet for IDEA after class. since Mr Wan had let us off early for lunch, i agreed with Isam's decision to perhaps do it quickly before heading off for lunch, so that we could go home without staying back to do it, as we had earlier planned. but i relented as the others weren't in favour of it, and told them to stay back after class so that we could complete it together.


but then, i didn't realise elisha had misinterpreted my words as we weren't doing IDEA today, and had so called her mum to tell her she would immediately leave class to go back. i only realised this when class ended. and i guess she got angry at me because she had to call her mum and make alternatives. to this, i can only apologize to elisha. i feel really bad about this. i'll ensure i'll make myself clear in the future when making arrangements.


it's been a hectic week, been looking forward to the weekend where i can grab a little R&R. missed early morning calls, misunderstood words, incomprehensible PEEE chapters. to top it all off, i overslept for the first time in poly life, leading to a series of unfortunate events (refer to previous posts). and that isn't counting the morning after world cup. everyone overslept.


i need a vacation.

on the wrong side of the bed

woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. literally. had stayed up late the night before to complete my powerpoint presentation. before that, i had the Changi Youth Amb. briefing and interview at the convention centre. waited so long man. pissed off. ended up leaving school at 2015h and having to modify the presentation on the bus home. was so damned tired, yet still had to do the presentation. guess it's good also that i do it myself.


and i promised audrey i'd wake her up.


ended up i overslept for an hour until my dad had to call me up. damn suay. i took one look at the clock and went oh shit. this wasn't the first time i woke up late to give her a morning call. like what the hell, i slept through all 3 of my alarm clocks. how the hell could that happen? it was my own damned fault. and i'm feeling plenty guilty now. i just hope she doesn't lose faith in me. it's bad enough to wake her up late twice, and worse to see someone pissed of cause it's my fault. dammit.


i need a fourth alarm clock. three isn't going to cut it.


sorry audrey. really, i apologize

new york, new york

silly elisha. she made me stay up the whole night last night till i told her who was the mysterious fella interested in her. in the end, i think i gave her close to zilch.


oh well.


started the day with a walk with dad to macritchie reservoir. along venus drive near SICC. there was a marathon or triathlon going on near there, can't tell which from which. saw this pretty facilitator. oh well, you know me. it's inconsequential though. walked on through the downpour which was coming down in sheets. walked till my thighs were raw from rubbing against each other. man, was it a long walk or what. ouch.


went home and played on my electone for all and sundry to hear. i need an upgrade to a higher model, and i guess my parents agreed somewhat. mine's the EL-37, hardly adequate for someone at my grade. no, i'm not boasting. though relevant, there are scarcely sufficient features to support the sounds required for my pieces now. i'm hoping i get the Electone Stagea, the brand-spanking-new $20,000 electone. but no, in your dreams you dumbshit. i'll probably need just an EL-90. pretty sufficient to last me. but damn, the Stagea is soooooo tempting. it's my dream come true if i get one. wood trim, modifiable keyboard, space age design, not to mention the whole gamut of synthesizal codecs. ooooh. performance-grade, top of the line...i could go on and on. it's the equivalent of someone buying me a Ferrari. but no. that's a story for another time.


nothing much to report on other stuff, cos there wasn't much happenings today. oh and if you must know, i can now send sms messages via my palm handheld and through my phone. pretty neat huh? now i can utilise the full size keyboard on my palm to type out the message. har har.


audrey and i are going nuts using quaint english to speak. shakespeare's style, you know. such profoundness. o saint. o lord. o shit.



gunnite.

graveyard shift

it's 0143 in the morning now. i'm kinda bored so just blogging some random thoughts that have come to mind.


spent the day completing my CRS project. i myself forgot what the heck CRS stands for, but, ah, never mind, it's inconsequential. super tiring, running through the slides, checking them for mistakes, making sure the animation sequences were all in, that the correct info was stated, etc. but that's all over now.


spent the other half of the day doing absolutely nothing. i swear i'm getting lazier by the day or something. it's not like me to procrastinate so badly. i wonder what adam khoo will say to this. he'll be like, "wtf, you attend my course and come out like this? you ^@#$%@#!#$@#". never mind. we'll leave him to his devices, and i to mine.


talked to jo ytd about my blog entries. and she said sorry to me. as in, no reason, just one sorry. she told me the reason why she suddenly contacted me again was because she missed being friends with me. and after that, she felt really bad. i don't blame her. i didn't mince my words. she said when she saw the picture of us in her neoprint book again, she wanted to contact me.


that touched me.


i didn't expect something like that to be the reason why she wanted us to talk again. i expected more of an abrupt reason maybe. but i don't know how long i can hold on to this. i fear putting all my heart back into this friendship. i'm afraid it'll just break me again, and make her guilty all over again. i don't want to wish that.

but as long as she wants to be friends again, i've absolutely no problems. i told her that everything was forgiven and that she had nothing to apologize for. and i actually feel good about that. how rare is THAT man. haha. she's a nice person, she is.


and elisha lim ee ching is disturbing me again. man, i promise one day i'll go ballistic/mad/insane or all three if she carries this on. hello woman, if you're reading this, go easy on this poor guy here, can?

whirlwind of thoughts

i kid you not, fellas.

it's like someone stepped into my life again after so long. literally. in these past 2 days i've gotten calls from joanne like every day or so. seriously speaking, i'm not prepared. these calls bring back so many memories from the past they seem like monsters, lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce on my weaknesses. and they are back to haunt me. in all honesty i believe i had misinterpreted the situation earlier. she isn't a bad person, on the contrary i think she's just trying to get back in touch, but i'm not sure. i've moved on, shrugging the baggage from my past years all off from my shoulders and starting afresh. but these calls bring back some baggage. and i'd prefer that those be burned and razed to the ground, never to be seen again.


but maybe, just maybe, it's time to change. perhaps i should embrace this change that's happening very radically and very fast. i don't doubt it; she's coming back into my life. she is and was always a friend. was my best friend once, but i don't think we can duplicate that. there has been too much animosity between us to start that again.


i believe she'll be my friend again, albeit a very special and unique one. i'll never have one like her.


welcome back into my circle, jo. i'm pleased to see you again.


ok sorry fellas if you don't understand what the heck i just typed. i don't blame you. it is indeed very complicated. complicated enough to not be able to be typed out in such a short span of time. if i would type out everything, i probably would crash blogspot's servers.

i need to get on with my poly work. i've been lazy and lacklustre in my performance lately, and i hate myself for that. it isn't me. i've been on holiday too long, that's what. i've been watching tv like nobody's business and it's affecting me. i want to work. i set myself a goal to top my class in the first year and what has happened to it? gone, that's what. i'm ashamed. it's not me.

this has gotta change. now.

revelations

perhaps it was a day that ended on a high note, which makes it worthy of blogging.


i have decided to dedicate a portion of time in the evenings for blogging. in the event my post doesn't appear, then i sincerely apologize and plead your understanding, for i need sleep as you do.

it was a day of major shocks i guess. joanne tan texted me again, just before lunch. it was a surprise really. but it was a nice surprise, a pleasant one, even. i haven't heard from her in more than 6 months ever since we had the falling out, but that's a story for another time. it was, in a word, surreal, to read her words that i haven't read for so long a time. but it was all there. the nuances in text, the subtle irregularities peppering the syntax, things that felt so familiar and warm to me just a few months back, now seemed miles away. but i still remembered her, remembered the things we used to do. i guess there's still a soul left inside of me. after class, she called me. totally unexpectedly. i thought it was someone else. i never expected that a name which i had not seen for so long suddenly appear on my phone screen.

and i was apprehensive.

but i picked it up anyway, and we had a long talk. 21 minutes, according to the counter on my phone. the conversation brought back very real, very painful memories from the past. though the call was taken in a new environment, new mindset, new phone, it was all still there, albeit briefly. guess my decision to move on really did work. we're planning to meet sometime soon actually, but that will have to be seen. i'm somewhere in between surprised and glad that she has made this move. perhaps i might even consider a reconciliation. but how do you reconcile with someone who has let you down on so many occasions in the past? whom you have done so much for but got close to nothing in return? only time will tell me.


i'm probably getting soppy from the song i'm listening to now. it's photo by ryan cabrera. if you guys want it you could ask me for it.


second, was that audrey texted me to apologize for saying that i brought bad luck wherever and whenever i was near somewhere. anyone would have been offended by that statement, as did i. but i didn't bear a grudge, though i sure was very sore about it. but a simple message from her did the trick. she apologized, and we're all in the clear now. let's not rattle on about details here. it's not nice.


by now you'd be probably wondering why my blog entries consist mainly of female characters. however i assure you that me being a ladies' man is far, far from the truth. it's maybe they affect me in more ways than one than i care to mention.

had the usual post-lesson siesta of battlefield 2 with yiming and his friend wai siong. standard thing. every thursday we'll hop down to block T16 and have a good ole time shooting each other down in helos, planes, jeeps, tanks, or all four. it's really fun, and i've made a new friend this way. though i need a new version of BF2 to keep me occupied. i've worn the current version in my computer thin with so many sessions.

new stuff

well what do you know


everything from the previous post has been SOLVED. yes, SOLVED, i may say so. it's no more valid than a moldy cheesecake. or bread.


so many developements in these past few months since my last disastrous encounter. things have changed. many things have happened. let me list the ways.

first off, the friendship with the ah, disastee has improved by leaps and bounds. and, i sure am glad to say we are on the best terms. well, as best can be.

second, miss joanne tan messaged me. yup. right out of the blue, no question. i was there sitting in math class one day when my phone vibrated, signalling an incoming message. i kid you not, i nearly dropped the phone when i saw who the message was from. incredible. we had hardly communicated with each other ever since the fall out. so far, twice, she has taken the initiative to text me. once on my birthday, and another time, now. pretty amazing.


thirdly, my german is getting better each day. it is definitely improving. ever since 6 months ago when all i could say was aloha (i know, that isn't german), i'm now able to converse, albeit elementarily, in german. and if i may say so, it has been told to me that my pronunciation is one of the more accurate ones in class. am i proud of myself or what. makes me feel like a german.


fourthly, the world cup. i know it has just ended, and that zidane's headbutt has all but (no pun intended) captured the world's attention as the Most Famous Butt (MFB) of all time. surely, it has been a fun time for us all. late nights watching the match, me and whoever is on the other end of msn, yelling GOAL everytime whatever team we support scores. usually, it's elisha. that mad woman can't stop yelling everytime the ref kayus something. and man if she is anything, she harbours an almost demonic obssession with annoying the hell out of me telling me germany is now in 3rd place. fine and dandy, but hey, england never even made it to 4th! gotcha -wink. scintillating performance by the germans, don't you agree? Danke, Klinsi.


fifthly, and i know i'm getting carried by with my somethinglys here, i'm getting fatter. you know, fat ron? fat ronaldo? yeah. only this time, it's fat kai. i mean like, damn. i love my food, but i gotta know when to stop. i'm probably one of the few who live to eat.



someone save me