fun stuff

Gotta tell you guys the most exciting thing today man. I changed my GUI from XP to Vista's. Now how cool is that? Means now my laptop has the look of Windows Vista and frankly, it isn't disappointing at all. Point your browser to www.windowsxlive.net and download the package from there, install and voila. It really can make people think you've changed to Vista because this gizmo TOTALLY changes your interface to look like the much-vaunted Aero interface Vista uses. Freaking cool. See through windows and all. Even my startup graphics display Windows Vista Ultimate, instead of Windows XP Pro. You know the little window that pops when you boot up, that says "Windows is starting up", then with the stylized Windows XP above it? Well, mine shows Windows Vista Ultimate now, the name of a real version of Vista. Cool man. BUT BE WARNED. This program changes your whole GUI so system instability may occur. It didn't mine though, so I'm really happy.

Saw the so-called fake ang moh guy who goes around begging for money. I couldn't tell whether he was a phoney or not because I wasn't really looking. I was at MOS Burger at Plaza Singapura today, doing maths when suddenly he came in. He handed what looked like two plastic-laminated cards, each the size of a credit card, to several people. I presume they had things written on them like "Please help me. I'm deaf, mute, dumb or all three depending on how much money you can part with". He stayed back for a while to see whether any of the 3 people he handed the cards to would donate. None did. He then silently (of course) walked back and collected the cards. I think someone should investigate to see whether he's for real. I don't mind giving some cash to a poor soul with disabilities, but if he's not for real, sorry dude. Not a cent.

Paper today was superbly nicely half done, if you get my drift. Only half elated that I can actually pass well. Tomorrow's and the next day's papers are kinda scary though. Math and Structured Programming. After that it's kinda freedom for me but I'm not resting up. Got my performance to take care of.

German class was great today. Saw Katrin, my previous teacher. She was looking absolutely gorgeous. Then my temperature rose. I think the air-con suddenly broke down at that moment. Hot. Yep.

Haven't spoken to Jo in a long while. CAN YOU PLEASE CALL, WOMAN. Stop hibernating.


Song of the week: Love Walks In - Van Halen

goddamned test

GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED! GODDAMNED PEEE PAPER FAILED!

Oh did I mention, goddamned PEEE paper failed too? I think I didn't.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. It was everything gone wrong. Don't wanna talk about it. Mr Program Director for PEEE, you can take that paper and shove it up your ass. Only then will I tell you how many turns the coil around the electromagnet should have (hint: It's to do with how far up your ass I'll shove that paper).

Bert's been a hand in encouraging me to not look back. Those few sentences of his have at least given me back a modicum of faith in myself, and for that I'm deeply thankful to him. But for Pete's sake I don't want a modicum, least of all now. I want FULL confidence in myself. Back to my old self: confident, forward looking and optimistic (I could add hardworking in but I'd have to work on that). Now I think I'm just stuck in a funk. A blue funk.

KAI YI YOU THE MAN.
THINK LIKE A MAN.
TALK LIKE A MAN.
ACT LIKE A MAN.
BE THE MAN.

Shoot For Thrill

Wish me luck.

Tomorrow's my first exam. I hope I can understand the questions. Help me Jesus, help me Jewish God, help me Tom Cruise. By the way, that line was taken from Talladega Nights, the part where Will Ferrell runs around the track screaming "I'm on fire!! I'm on fire!!"

No seriously. The sense of foreboding just won't go away. It's still residing, smoldering. Like a dormant volcano that still has one eye open. Like a bomb that's ready to blow.

And I'm having that feeling. Again. I can't get it out of my damned HEAD. Somebody just pull the trigger and shoot me. I MUST NOT think of it. I tell you, it's not easy feeling this bugger-all, for a girl too.

Shoot for thrill, way to kill. I've got my gun at the ready, gonna fire at will. I'm gonna get you now.

troubles

Just switched to Blogger beta. Hope it works.

I'll be frank. My exams are on Monday, but I can't seem to study. No matter how I try, I just can't get myself to study. This has never happened to me before. It's not that I'm lazy. I drew up a detailed program for myself this week and promised to keep to it. I didn't. I'm really very worried that I may retain this year. I'm on the verge of desperation now, a man who sees his future on very shaky ground. Not that I'm not trying my best; I am. I'm giving it my all. But if I don't pass this time, I will retain. And that's something I don't want to see happening. I don't want to disappoint people around me. Especially my parents. Poly education is very expensive and it's no joke. And I don't want to do an entire year's worth of the same work I did previously.

I'm really very worried. I'm starting to think I've chosen the wrong diploma to pursue. But I don't want to fall into that pit of frustration and angst. I may not get back out at all. All I need to do is get past this year.

Why am I so unmotivated, especially now? Why can't I study? What's happening to me?

today and yesterday

Seems like the number of hits on my site per day has nearly doubled after my Wee Shu Min entry two days prior. I know it's a crap job compared to some really dedicated and talented writers but hey, I'm on my way there.

Went out with Audrey for lunch today. Situation amicably resolved, we're now two very happy people. Busted that problem through, slam, bam, thank you Ma'am. Let's hear no more of it. Congrats and handshakes all around for getting a nice Silver for Napfa though, Aud. We traipsed down to Cash Converters at TP where I had the most pleasant surprise. Peeking out underneath a layer of dust were a row of computers squatting atop the topmost shelf of a metal rack. Wait, don't click the Back button so fast. These were no ordinary PCs. They weren't even PCs. They were Apple G3 imacs, lime green, apparently donated by The Overseas Family School.

I took one look at them and instantly fell in love with them AND the price tag. S$89 bucks for an imac!! I couldn't believe my eyes. However one of them was priced slightly higher at S$185. Audrey said it could be because it was higher specced and I think she's right. Although how much higher specced I don't know. Oh man. I am really in love with those computers. Just look at their sleek designs, funky colors and all-in-one design. Apple really produced something short of a miracle in their G3s.

I'm really tempted to buy one of those. I don't mind parting with S$89 bucks (all right, I don't think Dad does, anyway) to own a piece of technology has shaped the way the computing world has looked at desktop pieces. It already has made its way to CNet's (or some IT website) list of the "100 Most Influential Products". Who has any advice for me?

what the fuck?

This is ridiculous. I can't believe my ears.


I cannot believe I'm actually hearing this.


This is bullshit.

a weekend of work

It indeed has been a tough weekend. Grappled a bit with so many emotional roller coasters and mood pitfalls. Feeling a tinge of that Sec 2 confusion coming back. Maybe it's because there are so many things happening around me that remind me of days past. And yeah. You could say jealousy is part of the equation too. But I try to keep that part to a minimum because once you are jealous, your mind gets poisoned. You start to imagine all sorts of nonsense that probably only exists in your mental domain. And once you start, you can't get out of that vicious cycle. Soon the only person in your life will be the person in the white lab coat staring at you through a small window. In a place called IMH.


Enough of that drivel. I recently got an email that included that elitist crap Wee Shu Min's blog entry. I know it's a little late to comment on this, but hey, such stuff ought to be made classic. Predictably my reaction was WHAT THE CLUCK?! I mean, come on. You're first and foremost an MP's daughter. Have the decency to respect the people your daddy is serving. Or even if you don't, you could probably just shut that golden mouth of yours up. Which probably has seen its far share of money-asking. Just like you probably haven't had to save money in your entire life, which a friend of mine so aptly put. You and other elitist bastards probably don't even know the meaning of "hardship". Oh yeah, keep that up. You're just strengthening the belief that kids like you with a silver spoon in their mouth and with daddies and mommies richer than the average Joe has no clue on what's happening to the ordinary folk. And you have the GALL to nitpick others. Let me quote:

"sad derek attracted more than 50 comments praising him for his poignant views, joining him in a chorus of complaints that climax at the accusation of lack of press freedom because his all-too-true views had been rejected by the straits times forum. while i tend to gripe about how we only have one functioning newspaper too, i think the main reason for its lack of publication was that his incensed diatribe was written in pathetic little scraps that passed off as sentences, with poor spelling and no grammar."

Oh yeah sure. Keep up that elitist talk, Miss Made-In-RJC. Maybe people really will start to sympathise with you and start to criticise that guy for usage of poor English. Oh sure. Especially the ordinary folk living in HDB apartments and probably earning the equivalent of your pocket money each month and being less educated than you. Of course they'll sympathise, won't they? By the way, Shu Min? Names are spelt with a capital letter. Seems like you need some correction in your English. Mine seems to be letter perfect. And I'm not from RJC.

Oh wait wait there's more. There's even more. If you read on, you'll notice she criticises people like Derek even more! Ooh aah. How surprising. Here's another quote:

i should think not. dear derek is one of many wretched, undermotivated, overassuming leeches in our country, and in this world. one of those who would prefer to be unemployed and wax lyrical about how his myriad talents are being abandoned for the foreigner's, instead of earning a decent, stable living as a sales assistant. it's not even about being a road sweeper. these scumbags don't want anything without "manager" and a name card.


Oh sorry. It seems you've misunderstood the situation, Miss Wee. It's not because people like Derek don't choose to. It's probably because he's been shortchanged by the system now, or whatever problems he has. Job retraining should solve that. Oh you've never heard of that? Right. It's probably because since you're part of the elite, the government will side with you and protect you. Heck, who knows. Your daddy could be pulling strings now to get you a job even before you've gotten your A level cert. Don't tell me that's impossible because it is not.

People like you, Miss Wee, are just plain failed products of the education system here. You do not understand anything about the world around you. To coin a Chinese phrase, "jing de wa", you are a frog in a well. Looking up at the world through that small opening, and that's all you know. You epitomise the kind of people who, throughout their whole life, know nothing but silver spoons and clear skies. Especially since you're an MP's kid. What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is a clear-cut case of a government employee's daughter thumbing her nose at the common folk. Poor people are not there by choice. And the rich have a moral obligation to look after the poor. Too bad Singaporeans like yourself are apathetic to the plight of the poor man. "The brutal truth", as your dad put it in his apology? What brutal truth? The only truth I see here is that this won't be a lesson you elites "can learn from". It will never be. This problem is too entrenched in the hierarchical system of Singapore's society. People like you will - after all this has blown over - continue to laugh and view from a distance the widening divide between rich and poor in Singapore.

Your comments don't count. Not even by a fair margin. They're just ramblings. Insensitive comments made by an equally insensitive person. I even feel bad about calling you a person because you don't even care.

You know, normal people do?

all in a week's work

Just finished watching Michael Moore's documentary Fahrenheit 9/11. It is an extremely gripping film about the Bush Administration. Rephrase. It is about Moore's take on the Bush Admin's stance on the war on terror. Basically the film touches mostly on the pre- and post-911 facades - if I may - of the White House. It really hits you hard when you realise that so many men and women are being sent out to fight a war that is not theirs, to fight for a policy that is not theirs, and to ultimately die in a country that is not theirs. After watching this film, you cannot help but wonder: what exactly is The Most Powerful Man On Earth doing? It is not the American people who want to fight this war. It by the misguided ideals of the men and women in power in their country who send them out to fight: so that they don't have to. However, I still revere America. It is still the home of the American Dream: To work hard, earn money, build your life, and one day come out on top. It is still the country of hopes and dreams. It is a country where the ideals of peace and freedom are still held dear, and it is also a country where people can freely express themselves. Try doing a kind of film like that on the PAP in Singapore. You'd probably have the IAD knocking on, no, DOWN, your front door the next day.

I apologise for the wrong heading in my previous entry. I kept thinking yesterday was a Friday.

I guess my love for cars and all things automotive is taking a huge turn. Yesterday night, I spent a grand total of 3 hours surfing the net and bookmarking all the pages that had useful information for me. See, what I intend to do is self-teach myself the entire workings of a car engine. And it's not that difficult, really. I'm beginning to understand what things like a crankshaft, transmission, cam, valve, do. Granted I haven't learned them all in detail yet, but I think I'm getting there. It is really interesting to see the bits work together as a whole, fully functioning engine and spit things out like torque, power, etc. Hey, I could be your mechanic one day ;).

Audrey likes to bite me. Rephrase. Audrey bit me twice today. And I have the battle scars to prove it. Two red circles, each probably the size of a one-dollar coin lie grinning up at me from my right arm right as I type this. They should go away tomorrow (I think) or I'll have some serious explanation to do.

"Right mum, the dog bit me again. Twice."
"Say what? Since when did his teeth become the size of peanuts?"
"No see, it was my friend's dog, and I was..."

You get the picture.

the end of a week

Well, it's a Friday all over again...

The haze has improved, thank God for that. I wouldn't want to be breathing in any more of that shit any more than I have to. It's killing me. I realise that the air was so bad my lungs turned black. Like my face.

Oh and my new haircut drew much attention to me. Lots of it. Wait, let's just say, my whole class. I mean, the first person I saw today was Elisha. I stepped out of the lift and the FIRST THING SHE DID was to stare at my hair. Yikes. And then along came the rest. And the rest, they say, is history.

Soccer today was tough luck. The worst thing I did was to let in the last ball. AND THE BALL WAS ROLLING TOWARDS ME, at a top speed of, oh, 5m/hour? I couldn't believe I let it slip through my fingers. Literally. Blow me. What a crock of shit.

And Dil - sorry, GIL - bert just finished his Malayan paper today. Apparently was frickin' easy and not that tough as everyone thought it would be. Considering he was freaking out the night before, it ain't bad. And hearing that, I'm starting to feel nostalgic, because I feel like returning to the old days, where everything was so carefree. Looking back, I realise I have actually taken all in secondary school for granted. Teachers feeding us all they had for exams, working their butts off for us. I really realise how lucky I am to have come from Catholic High. 10 years in that school, and I really feel that it has become a part of me. I am sure many old boys will recall the old days fondly. Especially my class. Even though my group of friends and I weren't exactly relishing in the class spirit, I am most fond of the memories we had. Buying food and stashing it in our lockers, going to play LAN 2 weeks before O levels and not caring whether we passed (sorry Mum) and generally being the class the discipline committee loved to hate. But I swear, looking back now, I love every minute of it.

And I will never trade those memories in. Not even for the world.

mental retardation

Hi again there

I’m typing this and using my method of typing in MS Word and later transferring it to blogger at home.

I’ve been irritated lately, not too sure why. It’s like all those things are going slightly overboard and – in a way – irking me. And no, this time it’s not my old friend the green-eyed monster. It’s more of a distinct expression of irritation. I just cannot take it when it starts. All right, maybe once or twice, I don’t mind. But it just riles me when it goes on and on. I don’t know whether it makes others feel like I do, but hey, I’m just one individual. I don’t want to say any more. Maybe Miss Koh was right. There’s more to life than that silly thing we all sometimes lust for but get hurt in return. She and I have plenty in common.

Amy’s having her O levels now. Miss each other quite a bit. Quite concerned for her too, hope she steels herself and does herself and her mum proud (well, me too, if I may say so :)). Hope to meet up with her after her Os are done. We haven’t seen each other in, oh, many many months. I still owe you your birthday gift too, Amy. I haven’t forgotten (:

Oh yeah and the most amazing thing just happened. I call it a miracle. At the EXACT MOMENT as the credits of Cellular on HBO starting rolling, my phone rang. AND MY RINGING TONE’S BEAT was EXACTLY the same as that of the song being played with the credits. I could not believe my ears. Nothing could have been more exactingly timed. It was indeed a miracle.

Jo called last night. I don't think I told her exactly what she wanted to hear but it was my true feeling at that point in time. Maybe that's my way of dealing with things like that, dishing out tough love. I care about how she is, that's why I bother.

I cut my hair too. I told the guy I wanted to keep the same style as my hair was before.

He cut a David-Beckham-fin lookalike. Mum says I look like a punk now.

Cos it'd feel so empty without me

Wah knnbccbkttljbcbk (in case you didn't know, all those are swear words)

I took the pains to take photos for Syu's group and Dominic took pictures for us too. In the end, the damn camera had to produce an error and screw up EVERY single photo. In other words, the whole memory stick had screwed up and errored, so I had to format and erase everything on it, crying the whole time. My heartfelt apologies to all who wanted to see me in drag.

Oh right, the skit.

It was the bravest thing that I had ever done ever since going up on stage and proclaiming to everyone my goals in Adam Khoo's "I Am Gifted, So Are You" motivational camp for teens. It was a blast, that skit. I couldn't possibly describe it all for you fellas because it was so damned funny, but I can tell you that the class was in stitches. Angelina pronounced "that was so gay" after we ended class, which pretty much summed it up. I think I put on an average performance, though I could have put more emphasis on the crying.

(And they could see I was using a thermometer as a pregnancy test kit!)

Ok screw the skit. I'm NOT A GAY. PERIOD. Anyway, I have news on my performance dates and time, if all you out there want to see me play the brand-spanking new Electone Stagea. I will be performing at Thomson Plaza 2-3 December, that's a Saturday and Sunday. Timing for both days is 1500-1530h. Playing the Silent Violin beside me will be my cousin Samuel, who also is a Yamaha employee. We'll be playing together. Songs performed will be Enya's Orinoco Flow, O Holy Night, theme from Da Chang Jing and Feliz Navidad, in that order. I'm actually quite looking forward to this performance. Makes me want to raise my standard higher.

Went to Eunice's place today to help her with English. I felt slightly weird, 'cos I'm not used to dispensing advice like that. Man, one thing I'm envious is that her study table is like nearly a metre and a half longer than mine, and twice as clean. Jeez. What would it take me to get to that level of cleanliness. And that table. Goodness.

Haze is clearing up, thank goodness. I won't have to breathe in any more of this peasoup. Hope the stupid Indonesian Government gets its act together and start realising that trees are NOT MEANT TO BE BURNT. Maybe the more they burn, the less oxygen gets to their brains and the more moronic they become.

today's thoughts

Rehearsals are killing me. I'm supposed to be studying but it's kinda hard to make that target. Somebody help me.

Still, I've worried that I'll be booted out of the male fraternity after my Friday act. I think I'll just bury myself in the ground.

Went out with Audrey, Yiming, Wai Siong to VivoCity today. Pretty damned big, I don't think we could finish walking it. Bought some Hotwheels at Toys R Us. Ford Mustang and 70's Chevelle. Absolute sexy bastards. I want some of those for my real cars.

Sometimes, I wonder why parents have children. They sometimes don't seem to care, or are oblivious to the face that young children need lots - and I mean LOTS - of attention. Today, I was on the bus when I saw something that made me cringe. Two mothers were sitting on one seat, and one of their daughters, a young'un, was sitting on a seat in front of them. The two were talking, and the young girl was trying - desperately, in vain, whatever - to show her mother something that interested her on the cover of her magazine. And the stupid mother just gave her a glance and continued chatting with her friend. This happened twice.

Tell me, all you fellas. If you were interested in the colourful toy on the cover of a magazine and the only person you could tell it to was your mummy, would you want her to listen to you? Would you want her to smile and talk with you about it? To engage your mummy in a conversation that you would enjoy? Too bad this mother doesn't know crap about parenting.

I swear my kids will never have this kind of treatment. Beware, my future wife. Don't you dare treat my kids like that either.

all in a week's work

Audrey today said the most beautiful phrase I had ever heard in my whole life.

“Look at how much fucking haze is there in the air.”

I don’t think I will ever hear another more beautiful sentence ever in my life. The juxtaposition of her words was too perfect. It was like Freud came to life again and was reincarnated in the form of her. I could have cried.

Haze is getting worse by the day and the hour. The air is turning into a soup. And I still blame the stupid peabrained Indonesian Government for causing it. Thanks to them I have endless sneezing fits now that can last for up till 10 sneezes in a row. I think if this shitstorm of a haze gets worse, I’ll have to wear masks. Irresponsible Indonesian Government and their equally crackpot farmers. I won’t even trust them to manage an aquarium, let alone a country. This is like smoking pot every day with zero enjoyment. The only mind-altering property this smoke has is to make me even more enraged. I bet if doctors cut me open now all they’ll find is smoke particles in my head and blood, hence the decreased ability to think straight.

My gang has decided to gatecrash my house to rehearse for my day of judgment. I think after I perform that hilarious act I’ll be known as the class gay. God, if any of my Cat High friends know about the insane stunt I’m about to pull on Friday, I’ll be booted out of the male fraternity. But it’s all right. In the name of fun, I’m preparing to risk my manhood.

And a cool fact: I typed this and the last post on buses and MRTs. Entered it in on MS Word, copy-pasted it onto blogger when I got home, and voila. Instant blog entry.

blazing Hades

I AM IN POSSESSION OF AN IJ UNIFORM. MUA har har.

Thanks to me having to play the part of a pregnant woman in my group’s Character Development skit next week I have to use an IJ uniform so kindly provided by Elisha who incidentally, is playing a guy. I’m so proud of myself. I have to play the pregnant girl, girly accent and all. Something to do with abortion and teenage pregnancy and god knows what else. I have to go put on that ridiculous apron (sorry IJs, it’s unnerving to be a girl), and act the part. Man, I don’t know if we’re putting on another episode of “My Wife and Kids” or a serious skit involving the elaboration of proper SP core values, which coincidentally is also called SPCORE. What the acronym stands for, I cannot remember. But it’s good.

Went to SRC for drinks yesterday. It was the most relaxing day I had had in a while. Went to school for SPAVC (SP Aviation Club) meeting, where the president tried to start his first plane in 2 years but failed miserably. According to Mr Langah as I have termed him, the plane had a faulty fuel system that needed to be repaired before anything could be done. Then after that I went to SRC to have drinks and meet up with my German classmates. I didn’t have drinks, I had 5 glasses of Coke, Or was that 6? I can’t remember. We had so much fun talking and laughing. And then there was Katrin my former teacher who got invited. Man, she had a perm and was looking absolutely gorgeous. As for Diana, man. Well, let’s just say that dancers have to look sexy or they won’t be called that. Incredible. I wanted a beer but decided against it. I’m underage, and it’s ILLEGAL to have drinks under 18. Tsk tsk. Now where’s my vodka?

Having some trouble with my new specs. The right arm isn’t fitting my face and it’s cutting into my right ear. I hate it. To have to spend nearly 250 worth of dough and yet have to suffer? The optician said it was probably because it wasn’t yet seasoned properly and so told me I needed some time to get used to it.

Haze is getting bitchier today. PSI reading’s probably in the high 90’s or 100’s. It’s absolutely disgusting. To have to face this stuff every day of the week, 24/7 is really not my idea of healthy living. For fuck’s sake, can’t the Indonesian Government do something to at least PREVENT having to have ASEAN breathe down its neck every time the air turns soupy? Those morons really don’t know how to run a country. I know you dickheads can’t do anything now but twiddle your fucking thumbs but at least, please, for the sake of all that’s good and holy on this earth, STOP BURNING YOUR FORESTS AND PLANTATIONS! You’re giving Singaporeans asthma.

BMW ///M5 lover

A grasshopper kept me company on the bus on the way home.

Well, not really what you think. The grasshopper was happily clinging to the side of the bus on the top of the window sill. It was huge; and beautiful. It had a mottled green exo and had the longest legs I had ever seen. Sadly as most Singaporeans are, most of the commuters were too busy finding gold on the floor or too wrapped up in their own world to notice a wonderful piece of nature (despite its size).

The haze has been a killer these few days, especially today. It was literally a soup when I came home. Visibility was down to nearly 1km only. And today was the first time I could not see clearly down my road when I looked. Totally unbelievable. Thanks to it too I have a perpetual sore throat. Goddamned Indonesian farmers.

NASA's telescopes have discovered a planet that is something short of amazing. Unlike Earth and similar planets in our Solar System that are evenly heated, Upsilon Andromeda b has one side of it baked in between 2,550 to 3,000 degrees Fahrenheit (1,400 to 1,650 degrees Celsius) but only minus 4 to 450 degrees Fahrenheit (20 to 230 degrees Celsius) on the dark side. "If you were moving across the planet from the night side to the day side, the temperature jump would be equivalent to leaping into a volcano," said study leader Brad Hansen of the University of California, Los Angeles. Anyone remember the film Chronicles of Riddick? Remember the scene where he and couple of other escapees tried to run to the hangar to escape, all this while being chased by the scorching heat? Such a planet conjures up images of exotic, distant, mysterious heavenly bodies. Wow.

Went running with Audrey yesterday despite the haze. Made her go through my NCC warm up routine. Rather satisfying performing it after nearly a 6 month absence. I managed a 6 round, 15-min-odd run. Not too bad if I might say so. Could have ran faster but accompanied her for her 3 round, ah, stint. Went to meet Eunice for lunch after that. She was supposed to come run with us but overslept. Audrey and her had much fun trying to kill one of those machines that you slot a dollar coin in, turn a handle and a little dinky toy comes out. Problem was they didn't quite get what they wanted so both of them spent a combined amount of $10 trying to coax Donald Duck and some other toy out of the machine, to no avail.

And I'm the youngest.

Jo called from school. Completely forgot today was her first day of school. Amazing how two weeks of holidays can pass so fast. Her cat came back home to her, and I'm really happy for her. She had been agonizing over that missing feline for nearly 2 weeks. Maybe God really is looking down on us.

Tomorrow's start of a new term of German. Hopefully I get back Katrin, my old teacher. She's the only teacher I feel comfortable with: her explanations are clear-cut and precise.

And my new imaginary girlfriend is a BMW M5. Imaginary. That's the word.

mostly real happenings

They built the schoolhouse with simple tools, but have now called in excavators to tear down the schoolhouse in which 5 Amish schoolgirls were shot at point blank range in Penn., USA. An ironic twist to a terrible incident. Bart County chief says it will bring them some closure. I don't know how much closure you can get when your kid has had her head blown off by some crazed gunman. I know what I will do if that were my kid. I'd blow the bastard's head off too.


Sept 11 happened all over again. A light plane piloted by Yankee pitcher Cory Lidle and his instructor crashed into a skyscraper in the heart of Manhattan on Wednesday. The log book has been found, together with the prop and engine. Oddly enough, investigators have not confirmed that a mayday signal had been sent out from the plane prior to impact. The crash "ignited a fire and sent up smoke that could be seen across the city skyline" as according to CNN.com. Eyewitness accounts report that the plane was seen to be "banking very steeply", which is unusual for a light plane. Both Lidle and his instructor were killed, instantly maybe. God bless their souls.


Was made the class clown today. Was playing CS when Audrey traipsed along and decided to give me a spot of tattooing. Whipping out my highlighter, she proceeded to decorate both my arms with my name IN BRIGHT PINK. All this time I was amusing others with my, yes, squeals. Since I had put on a high pitch for fun, the rest of the time, I was either known as gay, sissy, girl, or all three. In someone's words, "even the girls don't sound like that". I'm not to blame, geddit? How'd you expect me to punch holes in someone with my M4 carbine when I couldn't even GET MY HAND ON MY MOUSE, let alone press my left button. Jesus. Played soccer later, which left me with an aching hand.


Am I too sensitive? Sometimes I think I am, and I really hate myself for having this "high sensitivity". I interpret some sentences as offensive and probably reply in the same fashion, eg the hurt and offended tone, when that person mightn't mean it at all. I feel like crap.

deep six

Sitting on the 167 back from a movie outing and dinner, listening to Marley's Don't Worry, Be Happy, I tried to rearrange my thoughts, getting them into order. I failed miserably though. Being melancholic didn't help one bit. I watched the man in the seat next to me flip through his wallet, the two boys standing and talking animatedly, the woman with a bored expression on the seat opposite me, but from a distance, as if I were looking through someone else's eyes.


Sometimes, I really cannot understand myself. The human mind is a temperamental thing, but I suspect my mind is even more susceptive and sensitive to external inputs. Why is it I have the ability to listen and help people out with their problems but I can't do the same for myself? Isn't it as easy as practising what you preach, people might say. Honestly, I cannot understand it myself. Naturally after helping so many of my friends overcome obstacles, I should at least have an idea of how to handle the same situation if it happened to me. However this appears not to be the case.


Today was one of those really melancholic days. I guess it's probably due to my sensitive nature, but I felt somewhat left out in the group. E and D seemed to be one group, followed by A and Y in the other. Both groups were talking much and I couldn't seem to join in any of their conversations. I didn't seem to fit in at all. At times I felt like the proverbial loner in the group, caught up in his thoughts, seeming to others as withdrawn, which was pretty far from what I was really experiencing. Maybe watching WTC made me turn sombre. There is a particular area in the field of psychology called group dynamics. Maybe I should read up on that and find out why I was so depressingly down after dinner.


Not to say my entire day was ruined by my oft-ill-tempered head. Had wonderful fun at Carl's J with my Pastrami Burger. It was so large my jaw hurt midway through from opening wide to chow down. I had Elisha to thank for mixing all the drinks into a witch's brew in my cup and dropping in French Fries for added flavour. Had my sister to thank for ending my night on a high note by sending my an SMS along the lines of "Don't fucking lie to me that you're coming back at 9, yadda yadda". Thankfully I wasn't that incensed like I would be last time. I realised that my temper has been wonderfully stable in recent months. I no longer get angry at hurtful words.


I just cry.

in class

first time blogging in class.


getting new specs. BROWN!


feeling better. YAY!


failing tests soon. FUCK!


amy called me twice while my parents were around. THANKS! :)


need to listen. BYE!

shots

Opera's doing me a disservice. I shall terminate her services immediately.


And she's an internet browser, mind you.


Well, nothing has changed from my last post. My emotions are still running around as though they had a life of their own. I'm still confused, still agitated, still emotional, still jealous. Doesn't that remind you of the Kai Yi you used to know? The one that was full of shit? Of course it does. Takes me back to the good old days when all I could see was a goddamned mess in front of my eyes. Damn near everything is a mess to me now. Social life, school life, home life, love life (a loser like me still has crushes, yes) seems to be all running haywire. Maybe I'll just jump off a building one of these days. Save me the trouble of having to go through all this shit and just end others' misery of having to deal with me. Sounds like a wonderful idea, doesn't it.


Not that I can't have fun with my remaining life. Went out with Joanne to play pool today. Realised that I wasn't that bad at pool after all. Managed to shoot some tight, neat shots, and so did she. Silly as it sounds I've never seen a female play pool before. No funny ideas there. I don't know if I was being oversensitive but the meeting seemed to lack closeness in it. There were times when I felt I was a stranger. I truly wish that isn't the case at all. Maybe we just haven't been meeting each other face to face often. Then accompanied her to Spotlight at PS after that, and bought some DVDs when we actually wanted to go to Yamaha. Jo ended up buying X-Men 3 and I Event Horizon, a film so freakily eerie and spooky I wish I had never watched it.


Came home, scared the bejesus out of myself with that unholy film, ate, went for a 1hr 15min walk with dad, and am now here typing. I don't know. My life has been awfully down lately. I'm probably having a bout of depression. Maybe I'm going to break up or break down. Maybe I'm being an asshole to people around me. Maybe I'm just that unlikeable. Maybe I'm the worst kind of friend anyone could have.


Maybe I'm right?

a today

What am I doing? Why should I be feeling this way? It never occurred to me that I mightn't be able to handle it, and now that I can't, what can I do? It's making me feel uneasy. Though I haven't actually said it out yet, I also don't wish that it really manifests itself in some way that I will regret. Throughout the entire day today I literally wasn't really listening to lessons even though I understood all of it. And a bad cold had to come around to make me even more miserable. I haven't felt this confused, anxious, full of shit or all three since god knows when.

My mum isn't making things better too. Just that day she and my dad had a huge quarrel over something, and I stepped in and tried to explain things. She shouted right back at me. Little did I know that she would walk off, and the pain of that action hurt me so much it made me cry. Right in front of nearly everyone in the hawker centre, together with my uncle. Shit, I'm even tearing as I'm typing this. Do you know the pain I felt then? It really tore at me. What can I say? Life isn't fair at times, you know. Even God knows that. He created us. Sometimes I think God doesn't listen to us, or He may be just testing us. What I really need now is someone who can lend an ear to me, someone to whom I can pour out everything that's eating into me now. I want to tell Joanne but something bad already has happened to her and I don't want to make her feel any more worse. I feel so stuffed up, emotions so pent up that I can just break down any time. It's not like me to be this way. I don't want to be affected by all this. Just today Audrey bullied me in school. I know full well it was in the name of fun, but I really felt so agitated then. Throughout the day I had to struggle to contain my emotions, fluctuating as they were. It's my state of mind now, and it's doing this to me. Audrey, don't be offended. It was through no fault of yours, but mine alone.


I don't want to cry anymore.